I have a new list of personal annoyances and dislikes that I would like to share.
Enjoy!
1) The 'MRC', 'M-' and 'M+' buttons on calculators.
Who uses those? No one I know.
2) Redneck women. I thought the average redneck man was bad...the women
are far worse. And they line dance. A lot.
3) Scripted reality t.v.
4) Water cooler conversations.
I don't care what Simon sais about your favourite "Idol". She sucked!
5) Skanky goth chicks in fishnets and black lipstick. Ewwww.
There is a time and a place for such hideous fashion faux pas and its called Halloween.
6) Chicks who pretend to be "one of the guys" when they're anything but.
These are the girls who'll blow 17 different men and cry that they didn't call back.
7) Trendy bi-sexuals. Ugggh.
Look, I've slept with women before. You have to actually put your face in the place and enjoy it.
Two drunk girls making out at a party do not count.
8) The WWF.
More like WTF?!
9) Government subsidies for corporate America.
10) Disposable diapers.
Nothing is more wasteful or environmentally irresponsible then landfills overflowing with
plastic feces-ridden butt covers. Cloth diapers were good enough for me and they're good enough for your little nose miner.
11) T.V. dinners.
They taste like shit. Moreover, is it really that hard to cook?
12) Rock chicks.
Look, you're 47 not 17. Your tits are sagging and your face is sliding off.
Cover yourself.
13) Gas price lemmings.
Oh wow! Gas is over $4.00 a gallon! Guess its time to start moping, complaining and
driving a bigger SUV. I really have nothing but contempt for people who bitch about
gas prices. Suck it up or sell your SUV you cheapskate.
14) 70% isopropyl rubbing alcohol.
Why only 70%? I want to kill germs not slap them on the wrist.
15) Hair clippings.
Fellas, when you trim your beard, do it in the shower not over the bathroom sink.
16) Bluetooth technology.
If I see another hick with a wireless headset...
17) Enormous key chains.
No they do not count as weapons.
18) Tramp stamps.
You know what I'm talking about...that oh so imaginative lower back tattoo that
legions of women *cough*SKANKS*cough* get to distinguish themselves from each other.
19) Tribal pieces.
Look, you are not a Native American and let's face it real Native Americans don't have those pieces of shit creeping up their arms.
20) Loyalty.
It is the downfall of mankind. If you blindly follow someone just because you agree with
one thing they said or did, then change your name to Dick Cheney.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Ah America ...
The federal government is sending each and everyone of us a $600.00 rebate check.
If we spend that money at Wal*Mart, the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline, it will go to Saudi Arabia.
If we purchase a computer, it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Guatemala and Honduras.
If we purchase a car, it will go to Japan.
If we purchase clothing, it will go to Vietnam.
If we purchase useless crap, it will go to Taiwan.
Hence, none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes,
weed, beer, cigarettes, whiskey, and tattoos, since these are the only
products still produced in the United States.
Enjoy your stimulous check!
If we spend that money at Wal*Mart, the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline, it will go to Saudi Arabia.
If we purchase a computer, it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Guatemala and Honduras.
If we purchase a car, it will go to Japan.
If we purchase clothing, it will go to Vietnam.
If we purchase useless crap, it will go to Taiwan.
Hence, none of it will help the American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes,
weed, beer, cigarettes, whiskey, and tattoos, since these are the only
products still produced in the United States.
Enjoy your stimulous check!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Close encounters for a fee ...
I was thumbing through random web pages today when I came across the most ridiculous sales pitch I've ever read:
"Thousands of individuals are abducted by aliens each year.
If they won't contact you, contact us!"
This is the motto of Alien Abductions Inc., a company that claims to be able to implant a chip into your brain which when activated, will give you the full experience of what it is like to be abducted by extra-terrestrials. You think I'm joking? Here's a brief overview of the service they provide:
I must confess, Alien Abductions Inc. gave me a good hearty belly laugh until I realized that there are people out there who would pay for such a service. Scary.
'Whether your interest is cultural, scientific, or sensual…
So if you're inclined to have a "sensual" experience with an alien, visit: http://www.alienabductions.com/
Please beam me DOWN Scotty! This is too much for me.
"Thousands of individuals are abducted by aliens each year.
If they won't contact you, contact us!"
This is the motto of Alien Abductions Inc., a company that claims to be able to implant a chip into your brain which when activated, will give you the full experience of what it is like to be abducted by extra-terrestrials. You think I'm joking? Here's a brief overview of the service they provide:
'Every one of us is unique.
Whether you are an experienced Ufologist seeking a different sort of insight into the possibilities that exist at the edges of our day-to-day experience, a science fiction fan with a desire to explore an exciting new approach to narrative, or simply an open-minded and inquisitive person, an Abduction Experience™ from Alien Abductions Incorporated has something exceptional to offer you.
Pick one of our stock scenarios or design one from scratch, choose a solo experience or bring friends and colleagues for a group Abduction Experience™; whatever your needs may be, the team at Alien Abductions Incorporated is ready to help you extend your belief system using safe and immersive techniques developed by some of the finest minds in the Scientific Community.
If you're not ready (yet) for the immediacy of memory implantation, come to our resort and research facility to take advantage of access to the Abductalizer, our Para-abductology library, and our award-winning on-campus restuarant! Conduct your own research in a supportive, informed environment, or just relax and enjoy the amenities—it's all up to you!
Browse our Web site for more information on our wide range of products and services, or contact us for answers to any questions that you may have.'
I must confess, Alien Abductions Inc. gave me a good hearty belly laugh until I realized that there are people out there who would pay for such a service. Scary.
'Whether your interest is cultural, scientific, or sensual…
Alien Abductions Incorporated can provide you with memories of an experience guaranteed to be unlike any other available on this planet!'
Wow! S'all I'm saying.So if you're inclined to have a "sensual" experience with an alien, visit: http://www.alienabductions.com/
Please beam me DOWN Scotty! This is too much for me.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
We'll always have Paris...
I just woke from a strange and terrifying dream.
This dream was not based in any sort of fantasy though, it was a different version of something that occurred many years ago. Something I had forgotten about Let me take you back with me....
I was 17 when I was invited along with my classmates to journey to Italy and France for two weeks. I had never been so excited. I had just returned a year prior from The Soviet Union and here I was...off on another adventure. Its funny what you remember about such monumental events. I cannot tell you with any accuracy what the view from atop the Eifel Tower is like, but I can tell you that my friend Becky Ventuurelle ran out of film while we were up there and she cried. I remember Rome not for the Collosseum but because I had a moment with my French teacher/chaperone Mrs. Schreck. I was thrilled to discover that I was not alone in my smoking vice when she bummed a cigarette on a narrow side street. I recall my first day in Monaco being a disaster because my Vidal Sassoon shampoo exploded in my suitcase and spilled its contents over all of my clothes. I can still smell it...honey-almond vanilla, odd that I cannot recall the scents wafting from the patisserie I was staying above. My point is that our minds capture the most random things and they are usually small and insignificant.
So when my nightmare jerked me from sleep 25 minutes ago, I was amazed that it revealed the larger memories of that trip that I thought I had forgotten. In my dream I was terrified to go near the Eifel Tower but I desperately wanted a picture of it so I sent Ian to get one. I coached him from behind a city wall on how to get the perfect picture. "Stand beneath the structure and point the camera up." So he did but something went terribly wrong. He became very sick and began to vomit. I dashed across the quad and under the tower, ever careful not to look up, and carried him out of there. I carried him through the streets of Paris and up a huge muddy hill to the outskirts where the city lights faded to stars. There was a lone taxi cab at the opposite side bottom the hill and it took all my strength to get us to it. When I finally felt the door handle in my hand, I looked up and I could see the massive base of the tower stretched out in front of me and the quad beneath my feet....oh no I'm back where I started. I heard the sound of metal grinding metal and even though I didn't look up, I knew the tower was collapsing. I ripped the taxi door open and pushed Ian inside. I handed the driver all of my money and told him to take us to DeGauille airport. he looked back at me a screamed, "LOOK UP!!!"
The roof of the taxi ripped off and the tower came crashing down on me.
I woke up in a hurry this morning. I was terrified yes, but the terror unlocked a forgotten experience: me at 17 alone on the quad beneath the Eifel Towerctaking a picture. It really happened. I told myself not to forget that day, but like many things from my youth all that remains are scattered fragments. But thank heavens they are scattered only by the light of day.
This dream was not based in any sort of fantasy though, it was a different version of something that occurred many years ago. Something I had forgotten about Let me take you back with me....
I was 17 when I was invited along with my classmates to journey to Italy and France for two weeks. I had never been so excited. I had just returned a year prior from The Soviet Union and here I was...off on another adventure. Its funny what you remember about such monumental events. I cannot tell you with any accuracy what the view from atop the Eifel Tower is like, but I can tell you that my friend Becky Ventuurelle ran out of film while we were up there and she cried. I remember Rome not for the Collosseum but because I had a moment with my French teacher/chaperone Mrs. Schreck. I was thrilled to discover that I was not alone in my smoking vice when she bummed a cigarette on a narrow side street. I recall my first day in Monaco being a disaster because my Vidal Sassoon shampoo exploded in my suitcase and spilled its contents over all of my clothes. I can still smell it...honey-almond vanilla, odd that I cannot recall the scents wafting from the patisserie I was staying above. My point is that our minds capture the most random things and they are usually small and insignificant.
So when my nightmare jerked me from sleep 25 minutes ago, I was amazed that it revealed the larger memories of that trip that I thought I had forgotten. In my dream I was terrified to go near the Eifel Tower but I desperately wanted a picture of it so I sent Ian to get one. I coached him from behind a city wall on how to get the perfect picture. "Stand beneath the structure and point the camera up." So he did but something went terribly wrong. He became very sick and began to vomit. I dashed across the quad and under the tower, ever careful not to look up, and carried him out of there. I carried him through the streets of Paris and up a huge muddy hill to the outskirts where the city lights faded to stars. There was a lone taxi cab at the opposite side bottom the hill and it took all my strength to get us to it. When I finally felt the door handle in my hand, I looked up and I could see the massive base of the tower stretched out in front of me and the quad beneath my feet....oh no I'm back where I started. I heard the sound of metal grinding metal and even though I didn't look up, I knew the tower was collapsing. I ripped the taxi door open and pushed Ian inside. I handed the driver all of my money and told him to take us to DeGauille airport. he looked back at me a screamed, "LOOK UP!!!"
The roof of the taxi ripped off and the tower came crashing down on me.
I woke up in a hurry this morning. I was terrified yes, but the terror unlocked a forgotten experience: me at 17 alone on the quad beneath the Eifel Towerctaking a picture. It really happened. I told myself not to forget that day, but like many things from my youth all that remains are scattered fragments. But thank heavens they are scattered only by the light of day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
